the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
