My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
