I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
