If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
