she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
