i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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