i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
