You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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