There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
