I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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