i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
