I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
