That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
