yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
