there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
