I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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