Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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