Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
