My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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