Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
