Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
