I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
