You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
