Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
