listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
True strength comes from lack of pants
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
