i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
