I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
