i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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