There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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