Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
