I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
