Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
