I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
