I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
