Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
