well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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