My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
