Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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