he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
