Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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