Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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