I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
