Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He shit in the fireplace
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
