So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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