there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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