My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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