life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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