I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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