god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
