I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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